I worry. A lot. A lot a lot.

I worry how how this is all affecting Sarah. Let me go back for a minute.

When Lukas was born, I was elated that his birthfamily had chosen us to be his parents. But at the same time, there was a sense of sadness because I knew for Sarah - nothing would ever be the same.

When health issues with Lukas cropped up, I felt that guilt again.

We are often on high alert with Lukie. If he starts to wheeze, we worry. He missed more school than he went due to illness. And now, he's at doctor's appointments, therapy sessions, and on daily meds. We watch him closely, analyzing everything from his sitting posture to his communication.

She acts out. Does stupid stuff to get our attention (both negative and positive). All of this impacts her too.

And through all of this, she still doesn't quite realize that there is something wrong with her brother.

He's just her brother. Her baby. Her Blukas. She loves him with a fierceness that I am in awe of. I wish she'd learn not to try to sit on him - but we're working on that. (She loves it when he sits on her though!)

But she is fiercely overprotective. If one of her school friends comes within a few feet of him when we pick her up from school, she'll protest. One time another kid accidentally knocked Lukie down and Sarah said, "DOn't hurt my baby!" She also watches over him at playdates protecting him from the big kids and tattling on those that bother Lukas.

So I'm concerned how she will react someday when people make fun of her brother for being different. I'm not naive enough to belive that this WON'T happen. It will. And she's a scrappy thing with love bursting at the seams for her baby brother - and she's not going to stand for it.

We had planned on having Sarah home for the summer. Her school is very intense and I thought she needed a break. I also thought our bank account needed a break too. But today, all of that changed.

She was home from school sick and went with us to physical therapy and speech. Complete. Disaster.
She was needy. She wanted to participate and play on all of the "toys". She would talk for Lukas in Speech and retrieve the things he needed to during PT (to get him to walk). It made me realize 2 things:

1. She really does notice the things he can't do and compensates for him.
2. Having her home this summer isn't going to work.

Nothing about this situation is fair. Trust me. I want and desperately crave for it to all be okay and be fair. But it isn't. That isn't reality right now.

But it is not fair to send the message to my sweet girl that her needs are not as important as her brother's.  And that is what having her at therapy sessions does. Physical therapy and speech were just an hour total. Having her sit through 2 hours of ABA therapy and 1.5 hours of driving seems insurmountable.

So she'll be in "school" this summer. And while it isn't what I planned, it is best for her right now. It allows Lukas and I do our therapy stuff and grab her early in the afternoon and hopefully squeeze some fun out of this summer after all.

Here are my 2 trouble makers in action. Sarah was supposed to be in timeout, but Lukie came to sit with her (in solidarity?) and things got a little out of hand. Love these two more than anything.



We had planned on sending Lukas to the same school Sarah attends again this fall. It's an incredible school that teaches four languages (Chinese, Japanese, Arabic and Sign Language) daily and their academic program (though not developmentally appropriate) is amazing. We thought that Lukas would thrive with that sort of intellectual stimulation.

We put him in last summer. He lasted a whopping 7 weeks and had 6 ear infections, 2 trips to the ER and 17 visits to his pediatrician. Not kidding.

So we put him in a little church preschool "Mom's Morning Out" program three mornings a week. He had 2 teachers and at the most, six kids. The beginning of the year went well. His teachers loved him and he was well behaved. Until he wasn't. He headbutted a kid. He headbutted his teacher. He threw tantrums and hit his head on the floor. He pulled toys on top of himself in anger. Was very destructive.

But God bless his teachers. They really tried to figure out how to help him. They continued to love him. They told me he had an okay day - even when he didn't.

One of my hardest moments in this journey so far was engaging in a discussion with his teachers and another parent (who was worried that one of her twins had autism). Lukas' teachers began to describe all of Lukas autistic behaviors. While interesting, it was DEVASTATING to hear.

But then we got his autism spectrum diagnosis. And we knew that Sarah's school wasn't an option. There are 18 kids. 2 teachers. A VERY rigid schedule and a lot of expectations. We have essentially a nonverbal child with tantrum issues who doesn't like to comply. Not a good match.

So I waited a few weeks (honestly, I waited so that I could discuss it without crying) to let Sarah's school director know that he won't be coming in the fall. She was cold. I don't know if I caught her in the middle of something or what, but there was no compassion. She told me she knew about his diagnosis (Sarah's teacher mentioned it) and that was it. I'm not sure what I expected, but this is a woman I've known since Sarah was 18 months old. I don't think she likes me very much since I tend to buck the system a bit (coming in late, missing school for playdates, etc.) but I expected some compassion. None. She seemed relieved. (Again, just my interpretation).

So that leads to today.  I accidentally overpaid Lukas' church preschool tuition. I went in to the office to pay the right amount and the office manager wasn't there, but the Principal was. She mentioned offhand that its so rare to find out that you've overpaid. I mentioned Lukas' diagnosis and the fact that I just paid 250 dollars for his ABA assessment (which was the amount of my over payment) and so it was a fantastic surprise.

 I said that the past few weeks have been hard and that his therapy was going to cost $2600 a month (yes, you read that right!) and so this over payment was such an amazing blessing.

And then the tears came. 

The Principal told me that she has a 25 year old daughter with special needs. And that she remembers the place I am now - where it is overwhelming and scary. She told me that God put Lukas in my life to change me. And that Sarah will be a better, more loving and compassionate person because she has Lukas in her life. That we ALL will be better, more loving and compassionate as a result of knowing him.

And then she said, "Once you get his schedule set and if he needs socialization, we'd love to have him back in the fall."

She said that she'd LOVE to have him back in the fall. 

And then she said, "And we'll give him a 100% tuition waiver too."

I made it to the parking lot before the ugly cry started. And it was ugly and long. I had to pull over on the way home.

Grateful for her gentle words this morning.
Grateful for her compassion.
Grateful for those who can look past the problem behaviors and love my little boy for the beautiful, delightful child he is.


Can You Hear Me Now?

At Lukas' speech assessment, his speech therapist was concerned that Lukas didn't seem to be hearing everything. This could account for his speech delay, so we scheduled a hearing evaluation. We went today and discovered a few interesting things.

1. His right ear has a bit of a problem. When testing his auditory reflex, there was a big difference in how his ears responded. I have been researching this and basically it can indicate that there is some sort of hearing issue, but will be discussing this further with another audiologist. (Interestingly enough since we had him screened for hearing issues just last week at the ENT and they had the same issues with the right ear.)

2. His right ear qualifies for a mild hearing loss classification. His threshold was 30dB, but not sure how reliable his results were though (more on this in a bit).

3. When he was looking at a book in the sound booth and a tone would play, there was NO response. None. This happened several times and while distracted, he does not respond to sound. This is something we see at home a lot. If he is watching TV or playing with a toy, there is no amount of screaming (yes, we've tried) or name calling that will get his attention. Nothing. This is SCARY when you think about safety issues - trying to keep him out of the street, away from a dog, etc. If he is focused, he will not hear his name or "STOP!" Not sure how we're going to address this.

So here is why I'm concerned about the reliability of the test.

Usually when in a hearing exam with little ones the following things happen:

1. A tone will sound.
2. A child will look toward the sound.
3. A toy (think monkey with cymbals or another noise maker) will start on the same side as the sound to reward the child for looking.

This didn't happen consistently in his test. I'm not sure if it was because of the audiologist or a kink in the testing system. (The booth and entire office is brand new).

What happened in Lukas' case went like this:

1. A tone would sound.
2. No response from Lukas.
3. The toy would start moving.
4. Lukas would hear the whirring of the toy (a bit like a quiet engine starting, but MUCH louder than the tone).
5. Lukas would turn and look at the toy.

This didn't happen the entire time, but often enough to make me wonder. Lukas was VERY difficult to test and so I'm not sure if it was intentional to see if he was hearing anything at all, but in my opinion if those were the tones that the audiologist was using as her thresholds, then the test wasn't accurate.

Again, I'm not exactly sure what results she was using and since I'm not an audiologist I really don't know, but it seemed weird.

But even with those results, he still has a mild hearing loss in his right ear. Not sure the implications of this or the affect it has on his speech, but its another answer - ish.



So we went to Magic Kingdom last Friday night. Our passes are only good for a few more weeks and the weather is freaking HOT, but that night it was perfect weather. We were hanging out waiting for the time to cash in our fast passes for the Jungle Cruise, when Lukas started walking up and down the stairs (one of his favorite things to do!). And then, our little guy with muscular and motor skill issues started walking up and down the stairs ALONE. So incredibly awesome! See for yourself!


Visit to Neurology

We went in because Lukas' pediatrician called and said that his bloodwork came back showing that his ANA was positive. Apparently ANA positive result is often found in kids with autoimmune disease like Lupus, Juvenile Arthritis, and some other random disorders. Honestly I was sort of excited about his bloodwork showing something since every other test had been negative and we really needed a direction. (The follow-up blood work did not show any sign of these issues).

So we went in a saw a new neuro. She didn't know about Lukas' PDD-NOS diagnosis yet, so I caught her up on his recent diagnosis. Her response was, "Well I'm glad that he's already been diagnosed because if not, I was going to do that today!"

Is it that obvious?