Different

My kids are different. (Well they are mine…which explains part of it) but they are different.

I don’t know how to articulate these complex feelings that I am feeling, but I didn’t know what I was missing until I had a second child.

All kids are different. I get that.

All kids develop different. I get that too.

But in the thick of things, with S – I knew she would develop differently given her prematurity and other assorted (though undiagnosed) issues.

But now with L, I see what might of been and I am aching and grieving for what we didn’t have with S. I’m not sure how to reconcile this.

But I just didn’t know...

Allow me to explain.

At 5 weeks, L began to smile and coo. He would respond to others smiling and smile back, squeal with delight and now “talks and coos” constantly.

S didn’t coo until she was eight months old. She rarely smiled. Rarely. In fact as an infant, she was such a serious child, she smiled just a handful of times.

While I marvel in the fact that she did smile and coo at all, and love her even more for her quirkiness, I do worry. I’m her mom. Its in my job description.

These worries go beyond just smiling.

And while I am giddy watching my son smile, it is tinged with this wave of sadness that we didn’t have this with S. I simply didn’t know how it was “supposed” to be and thankful that I didn’t so I could love and appreciate her for her.

But now – while joyful. I am sad too.