Reflection of Myself

I will admit that it was good( in a strange way) to actually capture the horrible events of last week in a blog post. I was shaking while writing it - proof that the feelings were still incredibly raw and close to the surface. As with all wounds, time will surely heal.

We had frustrations with S's adoption too. There were delays and frustrations on that journey, but the memory of those experiences faded once S joined our family. (I suppose for mothers who labored and birthed their own children - it would be similar to forgetting how crappy childbirth was!)

Even through the trials of our adoption of S, they seem minor compared to the trials and heartbreak we experienced over the 4.5 years we tried to conceive a child of our own.

Honestly, I hadn't thought too much about those years or reflected upon them because simply I was too busy being a mom.

That was, until I stumbled upon a reflection of myself. Let me explain...

I'm not even sure when I first started reading Lianna's blog, but it must have been more than six months ago. The ache in each post was so acutely familiar that it was almost too difficult to read.

Each post I read I must have thought,"I remember feeling like that" or "I've been there" a million times. It was as if I was reading my innermost thoughts during one of the most difficult periods of my life. Like I said, I stumbled upon a reflection of myself.

I won't deny that I wanted to scream at her, "Just adopt!!" (I tend to think that is an obvious answer - but I forget that others must get there on their own.) I was much more diplomatic than that. I sent her an email about how her posts reminded me of my own angst and how adoption changed my world. An excerpt:

"I just wanted to be a mom.

I knew I was supposed to be a mom. God also knew...and His will was made clear in a million different ways on our adoption path. There is NO doubt in my mind that S was supposed to be our child. She just came to us from another mother. But she was supposed to be ours. I don't know if I can articulate this as well as I want to since it is so late, but I know that she was sent to us. To heal us. To teach us lessons about life, sacrifice, love, hope, and struggle (health).  And even though I didn't give birth to her, she is my daughter. And I am a mother because of her and the loving sacrifice made by her birth mom."

She wrote back enthusiastically and wanted more details. And I didn't write her back....

Now in my defense, it was during the height of S's health stuff....but kinda sucky on my part. :(

Months passed. I think I got back in touch with her via her blog. And she wrote back and I actually responded this time!

She lives in a city north of here that M, S and I are going to be visiting this coming weekend. So if all goes well, hopefully we will get the chance to meet!

After constant heartache, Lianna and her husband have started down the path toward adoption. I am so excited for them!

I'm excited about the sharing this journey of filling out paperwork, trying to recruit (for lack of a better word) a birthmom, and trying to articulate how I never thought I could love anyone or anything as much as I love S.

It wasn't until I read her posts that I realized that those feelings I felt while trying to conceive weren't entirely gone. But they have been diminished by my love for S and the joy she brings to my life. I cannot WAIT for Lianna to feel that way too.

And now I leave you with a picture from last night of my pigtailed, smiling, Pirate! I love her so!

1 comment:

Lianna Knight said...

I am so glad you came across my blog...and I am SO looking forward to meeting you this weekend :) And seeing that sweet little S!!!