Zone of Uncertainty

We live in hurricane territory. Five years ago we got hit by two big storms in a row (none of which impacted us really, but that's another story...) and now there are two storms headed this general directions. Forecasters here call the gray shaded area of where the storm might hit, the “zone of uncertainty”.
This "zone of uncertainty" is where I am living right now. Both physically and mentally.

Let me explain.

In March, while S was in the hospital, I had to decide what to do about my teaching job. At the time, there was NO way that I could go back to the classroom. She was too sick and at the time I had a job working at the community college. So I gave up my teaching position with the very Christian statement of “someone needs this job more than I do.” I meant it then, but it is hard to mean it now. I guess I still mean it, because it IS true, but hard to swallow at the same time.

So no teaching job.

I also decided to take a year off working on my doctoral program. Due to reorganization of my program, there was no way that I could finish on my time frame – so I'm working on finding an angle to finish.

So no teaching job and no school.

We discussed moving to a different state, but that fell through because of jobs, budget cutbacks and the realization that it would complicate the upcoming adoption. So here we stay.

So no teaching job, no school, no move, oh and then I was fired let go from my other position.

So no teaching job, no school, no move, no work. I was going to be home with S.

Don't get me wrong, we had a great summer. I loved the time with my girl and we needed to sort out her health stuff.

But...since it was discovered that S is really okay (although we don't have any concrete answers still - another post coming soon) and honestly needs to be with other kids (our amazing daycare doesn't do part-time for 2 year olds) we put S back in preschool. She is the happiest I have ever seen her and we've managed to make it 3 weeks with no major kiddy germs! :) Go S!

So no teaching job, no school, no move, no work, no S!

I do have tons of work to do. We've completely reorganized the house and there is a ton of work still to do. The usual house/wife/mom duties keep me busy and I'm writing grants for the adoption (which could be a full time job) and writing curriculum for some homeschoolers, all while still hunting for a job.

I admittedly got in late in the game. I didn't decide that maybe I should try to go back into the classroom until end of July and the first day back for teachers was today. I've applied to 17 schools and got one interview. It's just so competitive out there right now due to budget cuts - there are hundreds of applications for each position.

I'm not really being as negative as I sound, but I will admit I am discouraged. I feel like I missed an important memo. Or maybe not.

It will work out, exactly as it is supposed to. I know that. But patience is NOT one of my virtues.

But for now, I am still living in the zone of uncertainty.


redheadmomma said...

I felt like that all last fall - totally uncertain as to the future while we were in the apartment waiting for our house to sell, and watching Noah spiral downwards. The uncertainty is the most uncomfortable place to be, but what I realized going through it is: the best place to be is to simply believe that there will be a resolution. Try not to fight that uncertainty, because it takes up such valuable emotional & mental space. It is what it is right now, and it will change soon. At least that's what I realized after all our uncertainty ended! :)

Hope said...

((Hugs)) I'm thinking of you guys.